over-spent/over-saved? Not sure which. I think it’s both.
urgh.. super ultra broke this entire month…

i’ve been thinking alot again these days about life itself. So often many get caught up in the pursuit of goals and i am no different. I wonder if i should be leading my life this way?

i just want a happy life with Dear… but i’m so tired always… and i’m sorry to those loved ones.. for not being able to be there always… but you all are always in my tots. Stay strong…

can someone tell me why so many families are dysfunctional?

one very obvious difference is their horses. Or perhaps because i always get Buzz and that is why i am abit bored riding him. I miss the Saddle Club horses like Sunshine, We R On and Ocean Jupiter (OJ for short). They are so easy to ride, obedient and relatively safe for beginners like me. I wonder how they are doing.

the past 2 lessons on Buzz were quite good except today. He was so slow and lazy. Plus at the end, he was behaving very crappy. :S I wonder if i whipped him too much. =X Perhaps getting Onslow is a better choice. In any case, i need a longer whip. I keep mis-aiming with my current short one. As you can see, i’m such a noob at riding still. Here’s some pics of last week’s Jumping Finals held from 19-20 June too. It was certainly fun to watch with Dear.

and today’s lesson made me all the more determined to work hard on improving my strength, energy, flexibility and fitness. I get easily tired during my lessons and it is hindering in my progress. Maybe i need to eat energy bars before i ride. LOL..

where is Happiness? Can someone tell me? Every single weekday i leave early in the morning for work, then come home and sleep just to keep myself fresh for the next day. Then, weekends on Saturday i have time to myself before i go for my horse riding lesson at 6.15pm for 45mins. But usually that time to myself means either helping with household chores or doing the things my dad wants me to do like reading the newspaper etc.

and on sundays, half the day is gone due to church. Tell me, when do i have time for myself? To do the things i enjoy? It seems that nothing is a joy to me but a burden instead now. The thought of having to save so much and work as hard and give as many tuition as i can; all just for the future, is draining me of my energy and outlook of life. Is life all about working like slaves?

so tell me, how can i find joy in work? how can i find joy in life itself? Would going shopping, eating at nice places and watching movies really help? Nay.. These are temporary and they only make me feel guilty and upset at spending even more money. I guess its not just about saving for marriage or the house. But for the further future.

where is my Happiness? Or is it just me to worry about things and not to be able to relax? Or perhaps i just need to get used to this life?

sometimes it gets so demoralizing and depressing whenever my dad nags at me for not spending time to revise/study on areas of my work which he thinks i can improve on/do.

i mean i’ve had enough of work. Sitting in the office 9-10 hours a day is no joke and tires me out so easily. Do you still want me to put in more hours as it is already? Besides, how would reading or studying on project mangement and internal auditting help me to do better at work? It’s through experience and learning from mistakes that i will get better. Not studying or reading through books if that is his idea.

but my main gripe is i don’t want to spend anymore effort and time on work than i have to. It’s mentally draining and a kill-joy. Yes, i’m frustrated and pissed. Also because he doesn’t approve of me going out on the day i have my horse riding lesson just because i said i was so tired after riding. He doesn’t know i’m giving tuition before my lesson of course and he will never know because he’d start to nag at me for this; i’m pretty sure. So much for letting him into my life. Which is why i’d rather do things without his knowledge. Everything i do always doesn’t seem to be pleasing to him. BAH! Even like that time when he nagged at me for not studying or revising more during school holidays and was so afraid i would not graduate with a degree. So damn paranoid.

which is also why i don’t want to delay settling down. 2011 is the latest i can take it. Already considering pushing from November to August. I WANT MY OWN LIFE. What he said long ago seems to be in contrast to what he is doing now. Can’t he see its destroying me? Already weekends are too short for me to enjoy enough.

plus the fact that just because he is off on Fridays and Saturdays, he thinks that i should help out in cleaning the house on either one of those days. I WILL gladly help. It’s just that why can’t he be more flexible and accomodating? Must i do the cleaning ONLY on his off days? And no, i don’t hate him still. Just frustrated and irritated.

all these aside, i had a great time with Dear yesterday. Was quite fed up with work because June and July are my busiest months for the entire work year. I thought i would be more free after the audit but i was wrong. Oh well, lesson learnt.

but back to the story, I decided to just give ourselves a treat at Billy Bomber since Dear was saying their milkshake was superb and better than the one i ordered at Coffee Club while with Joshua & Jacklyn. I was seriously needing some pampering and cheering up. So we ordered Buffalo Wings (it came in 6 big pieces!) And a main course each. I got Sirlion Steak while Dear got the All Star Burger.

the food was quite good. At least it didn’t let me down. But yes, their milkshake was good though i think it was comparable if not slightly better than Coffee Club’s milkshakes. Ended up not finishing one wing cause we were so stuffed! And we were the last to leave the place. Got extra discount vouchers in fact due to the first Cookie & Cream milkshake we ordered which tasted weird so it was replaced with Chocolate. How nice of them.

and speaking of finally meeting Joshua & Jacklyn, It was fun. Kept postponing our meetup because work was hectic and is still for the past 1-2months. Good that my friends are working now so that means i’d be able to go holidaying with them.

i’ve decided that i will not be so ‘tough’ on myself (ourselves) and take the time and money to enjoy. Saving is good but when it comes to the point when i feel slightly jaded and sour over doing so, it is definitely not good.

sigh.. sometimes kinda lost as to what to do. Learning how to grow-up/to be an adult is not fun.